Good-bye

In my mother’s womb I felt safe.
The world consisted of nothing more than her sweet little murmurs
and the soft punch I felt when your tiny fingers touched me.
In my mother’s womb I did not know more about the world outside,
except that it was loud at times and quiet at others.
The world was made out of sounds.
Of banging doors and laughing chores.
It was a symphony of everything I’ve ever heard and I dreamed about it.
But it never occurred to me that one day I would have to leave this tiny home of mine.
That one day the world would be more than just a cacophony of sounds.
I dreamed of many things and I knew I’d never be alone.
You were there with me.
Right next to me.
You were the first human I knew and the first I communicated with.
Your touch was the first one I felt and everything you did had an influence on me.
You were so excited about the world.
About everything you wanted it to be and you couldn’t wait.

One day you were simply gone.
Your place next to me was empty.
An empty space in a still full stomach.
There was no you inside our mother’s womb anymore.
At first I wasn’t sure if you had hidden yourself somewhere.
But you just weren’t there.
So I thought you left me in our mother’s womb and went ahead.
I thought you’d discover the world for me and tell me about it when you came back.
But you didn’t.
And as the months passed,
I could still feel the soft punch of tiny fingers but I was aware they were a fiction.
I could still hear excitement and laughter from outside,
I just wasn’t sure anymore if they were fiction or not.

And when my time came, I left my mother’s womb.
The only place I’ve felt safe till then.
And the first thing I did was searching for you.
You.
You weren’t there.
And I learned that I was alone.
No twin.
No one else to celebrate birthdays.

My dear I cannot remember you clearly
and I don’t know why you left me and didn’t come with me.
You were the adventurous one, the one that couldn’t wait to leave,
now it is me standing here alone
and trying to find peace within my soul.

I know you live in a perfect place and you can’t wait for me to discover the world and tell you about it when I come back.

You were the first one I lost and the first I never forgot.
You were the first human I ever met and you simply left me,
staring at death.
I understand that it wasn’t your decision.
I know you’re in heaven, this is no superstition.
So wait for me there.
There will be so many things to share.
Memories, happy days, so many people that you will have to meet.

I have to learn to live alone to let myself be happy and calm.
To leave you in paradise and to live life without you
because you are not some kind of lice.
You’re not a parasite
but you consume my thoughts and my heart
you are deadly to me and that is why I leave you
in the arms of Jesus,
the only one I know who calms.
I leave you in heaven till the time comes that I will come back there too.
I leave you with the freedom of enjoying this place
and I give myself the permission to live.
To live a beautiful life.
To live a life worthy of my calling
and to live a life where you are not my priority.
Not my first or second or third thought not my home base.
Not my defence.
No I want to live a life where God is the ground on which I stand,
the fortress around me and the happiness and the fortune I have.

So I depart from you,
I let go of the heartache but instead pin down the things I will be looking forward to.
But I do not define my now, past or future over you.
That will not do.
I give this position to Jesus because he is all that I need to live and breathe.

So this is a spoken word that I wrote about my womb twin. I actually felt very sad often and thought that I don’t deserve to live so that is why I had to give that twin to Jesus. You know this twin was never meant to be a parasite or anything of the like, but for me it became exactly that. I made it the reason for many of my problems and I sometimes I was or am still so full of grief but it is not good for me. I feel guilty, I feel depressed and lonely and this is why I decided to give my twin back to Jesus. Because even though it is a part of my story I do not want it to be the all defining one. And this twin is living in heaven so why not let her/him enjoy it there?

You may not have had a womb twin but I am sure we all have this goat in our life that we load all our sins upon and sacrifice for the sake of ourselves from time to time. What is it in your life? Why is it so hard to lay down our struggles at Jesus feet and to know that we have made a mistake? What is it that makes you searching for excuses?

I invite you do give it back to Jesus as well, because it changes your outlook and it changes your heart.

Love

Come to me

Sometimes I discover how religious I am and then I dispise myself. I know that God loves me since he created me and yet I don’t act out of that love but I am often trying to earn it. As if one could earn the most wonderful gift on this earth by doing good deeds. Oh Lord I need your help. Open my heart and help me to surpass religiosity and be your child instead. Show me that I already have your love and do not have to win you over. My heart is like the heart of a little girl, Lord. Hungry for your love and it is so trusting and oh Lord, it knows so little. Let my heart grow up to be stronger and wiser than my head is. Let my heart love freely and care without pushing. I count on you Lord and know you have forgiven me. Let me remember your word and your love till the end of my days. Keep my heart soft and do not let it get bitter but let me run to you and cry in front of you. Because you made me vurnable so help me to stay like that and to remember your love in everything I do and let me love others too. -Amen

Are you finding yourself in the same position sometimes? So caught up in religion and religious activities that you totally lose sight of Jesus. Of the Jesus you once got to know and that is so far away now. In his place other things are catching your attention now, things like judging, better knowing, self-absorption and good deeds. Sounds familiar?

I just want to remind you and myself, that God is waiting for us. He waits for us to return into his arms. Not in the arms of a church or of a image we may have built for yourselves. Come back to him. The one that loved you first. The one that knows you and carries you. And you know what he is longing for? That you chose him over all these things that are tying you up. That you repent and come to him. That you are not fleeing in actions and try to gain his love.

He is giving you a invitation. The only question is if you are coming to him?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11,28

Crashing down

So I applied for an internship which was perfect. It was my dream job and everything I’d like to do and I thought God thought that as well. Finally I had my next four years planned out, and I was sure I’m on the right path. But today I received a letter of refusal, saying I’m too young for their internship. And it kind of destroys me right now, not knowing what I should do next. I was so sure that this is what God wanted me to do and now I’m just standing here baffeled, wondering why NOT?!  This internship would have been amazing and exactly what I wanted to do all along even without internship, so did God just plant that dream there to let it dry out? Because a plant that is not nourished and watered will eventually die. Did he do that on purpose? To show me that not everything is always love, peace and chocolate, even though I feel like I already know that! And while taking out a second tissue out of the packet of tissues I realise that I probably have to trust him. To take him serious and to keep calm and not curse that woman that feels like half a year of age does create such a remarkable difference in maturity.
Do you know those times? When it feels like everything is crashing down on you and all the dreams you have, seem so far away? When you thought you trusted God, but really you just told him what you thought he should be helping you with or doing for you and waited for him to do that? Without acutally asking him for his opinion…

So I guess I will try again, searching an internship that is not so appealing to me but maybe to God it is. Trusting him that he will show me where to apply and where not because I’m not really the type for rejection, but then nobody is.  And hoping that somehow my dream of serving refugees will still be fulfilled one day in my life, because I don’t feel like it is something that I should give up already.

 

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For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55,8-9

Maybe this is all just about him teaching me that “his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts”. Jesus, I wanna trust you with this, and I know that your ways really are far greater than mine. Even though it is devastating to receive a letter of refusal, it is all worth it when you acutally have everything in your hand and know what the future holds. It is worth it to decline my dream for receiving the one you want me to pursue. Show me my next steps, the way you want me to go, Lord, for I know that your ways are good and the path you’re leading on is the one you chose. Help me to trust you and not be smashed in pieces by this rejection.

Amen

Burning

The Holy Spirit consumes like a fire, he heatens you up with passion and love for his case. And his fire is getting bigger in you.
He is like the fire that rained down from heaven and consumed the wet altar Elijah prepared.
He is burning in us but NOT burning us out.
In him you’ll find rest like when you relax in front of a Campfire.Download (1)And like the presence of a Campfire is keeping wild animals away, his presence is shining and making your enemies fear.
He is the one that will not blow out a glimmer but create a fire out of it.
He is in a pillar out of fire, leading us the way and protecting us from our enemies.
He is like the fire in the thornbush that did not consume it but made it a holy place.
He loves to light a fire and to initate new things and passionately loves to give his fire to you too.
Are you ready to live with his fire within you?