Where are you, Jesus? Where are you in my heartache and in my pain? Why does it feel like I am doing everything out of my own strength when you said that you are my strength? Why do you seem to be so far away when I am searching you with all my heart and you promised that I’ll find you. Why is it that I am turning and turning and trying and trying but still failing. I feel like I am falling and I am too tired to fight. You said that you fight for me, well then now is a good time to start doing that. You know how I am, that I am stubborn and hard-headed, that I want to do everything on my own, to prove that I can do it. But that’s not what you want me to do right? You want me to follow you! To trust you! To let you do the fighting and me the praising. You want me to see that everything I accomplish should actually be credited to you! Oh Lord. I want to trust you, in my darkness. Because the only way to fight the darkness is to turn on the light. The only weapon you gave me is your word. And the power of your name. So I turn my heart to you and ask you once again: Where are you Jesus?
And then, in the stillness of my sobbing I hear his voice. Softly he is whispering to me: “I am here! Look I am here! You don’t have to run away, searching me for I am already here. I know you don’t actually want an answer to your Question but I am going to answer you anyway.
I AM in the mornings glory. I AM in the rising sun. I AM in the roses in front of your eyes. I AM in the smile on your face. I AM in the kindness you show to others. I AM in the belly rubbing laughs you share. I AM in your actions and reactions. I AM in the love you share. I AM in you & nothing is going to take me away from there. Look close and you will find me in every bit of this breathtaking creation. Because I AM here and will never leave.
I gave you your character and your beauty lies within it. I never intended for you to get hurt so deeply but I was in all of your heartache. And it broke my heart. It made me long for the day the father has chosen even more. Because afterwards there will be no heartache and pain, no “figuring things out” but there will be joy and you will see how much I carry you. You are my child! And I fight for you. I fight for your heart and I love how you try to follow me. Don’t worry this fight will be over soon and you won’t have to carry that much anymore.”
And now I am sobbing even more but there is something else: I can feel him inside of me, feel the love that heals the wounds in my heart, feel it burning with passion. And I know HE IS HERE
Lord, show me! Show me what they mean when they say that as soon as we encounter and start living in your love everything changes and we are set free. Show me! Because I know all too well that you love me in my head. But my brain is twofaced. One time it convinces me that you are here and that your love never ends and another time it just doubts your existence all together. I want to feel your love, live in it, grow within it, share it and spread it into that world. I want to love as you love me but Lord, I don’t know how it feels when my heart can rest. How does it feel to rest in your love, to know that I am fully accepted no matter what, to see the world through your eyes. To just let go and fall into your arms. Jesus I ask you to show me how deeply loved I am and that nothing can separate me from your love. Show me what eyes can’t see and ears not hear. Show me what I am missing. Show me what is keeping me away from your love and what it is that makes me longing for it even more. I thank you Jesus that no matter what, no matter if I can feel your presence or not, you’re here, you know me, hear me & most importantly love me. Help me to get to know you, listen to you and love you out of the depths of my heart. -Amen
Do you ever feel like God is really far away from you? As if he does not keep all the promises you just read in the bible and as if his dead at the cross was just in vain. Well I actually feel this way quite often. One moment I am near to him and actually catch a glimpse of his glory but the next moment I feel so lonely and tired. Tired of trying to be something I am not. Tired of coming to Christ out of the wrong reasons all together. What could be wrong reasons you might ask, well for me right now it is everything that does not come from the relationship we have but rather tries to influence our relationship to work MY way. As you can tell I am desperate for Jesus to show up in my life and I hope you are too. Because no matter how much of Jesus we already have in our life’s I pray that we will never lose the hunger for more of him and that he meets us where we are right now. And I know that Christ never stopped loving me and coming nearer to me. Remember that poem from Margaret Fishback Powers? When we only see one set of footprints in the sand it was then when our loving Father carried us. So we might think God is really far away from us right now but actually he is nearer than you’d think.
As I read in Wayne Jacobsen’s book ‘He loves me’ I really felt like I was missing out and I hope that Jesus will change that and I will not only feel his love but taste, touch and recognize his love. That I can give forward his love and share it with the world. And that his perfect love drives out any fear I have of him being here, him changing something in my life, revealing himself and him giving me a purpose. Because he is the good Lord and he knows me better than I do. I just have to remind myself from time to time that this is a fact.
Today I choose to follow you. Yes Lord, today I give my everything to you. But today is also one of those days I won’t find the courage to face my fears, talk to you about everything or stand up for your kingdoms cause. Today Lord, I want nothing less than come closer to you and get to know you in a new way that will open my eyes for the unseen. Today I want to encounter your love, not from afar but in my heart. Today I follow your will Lord and put my selfish heart under your control. Today. But after 12 hours of constantly trying to get over my fears and just let you into my heart today is over. Done. Finished. Maybe tomorrow is the today I meant. Maybe tomorrow I will be brave enough to face my fears and follow you with my whole heart, soul, and body. But Lord till that tomorrow becomes today, please do not let me alone! Walk with me and come with me even when I have trouble relying on you. Teach me to trust in you and Lord, draw me nearer to your heart day by day, every day. –Amen
Have you ever prayed a similar prayer? Have you ever felt the same way? So oppressed by the feeling of not being enough and not being quite the child God would like to have. As you can see I know that feeling all too well. I know the insecurity and the fear. I know how it feels when you are constantly trying to do everything out of your own strength. But didn’t God say that he is strong in the weak? Let’s allow ourselves to be weak and still under construction. God loved us when we were still sinners, nothing can hinder him from loving us. He created us the way he wanted us. And YES this fallen world left an impact on us but he never intended to leave us the way we are right now. I realise that so very often I am just working out of my own strength and my own abilities instead of letting him do the work and me the worship. So often I do things just to be seen as ‘the good kid’, as the girl that got such an intimate relationship with God or as the girl that has a lot of knowledge. But that’s not why we should do things. So I pray that the Lord may evict my selfish, torn heart and use it for his cause. That he may see the genuine will behind it and my longing for him. And Lord I pray that you remind us that you are our good Father and that you are strong in us even when we can’t see you. Make us brave to go out into the world and stand up for you. Because you are a wonderful counsellor, everlasting Father, eternal King and Lord of hosts. So we want to follow you.