Crashing down

So I applied for an internship which was perfect. It was my dream job and everything I’d like to do and I thought God thought that as well. Finally I had my next four years planned out, and I was sure I’m on the right path. But today I received a letter of refusal, saying I’m too young for their internship. And it kind of destroys me right now, not knowing what I should do next. I was so sure that this is what God wanted me to do and now I’m just standing here baffeled, wondering why NOT?!  This internship would have been amazing and exactly what I wanted to do all along even without internship, so did God just plant that dream there to let it dry out? Because a plant that is not nourished and watered will eventually die. Did he do that on purpose? To show me that not everything is always love, peace and chocolate, even though I feel like I already know that! And while taking out a second tissue out of the packet of tissues I realise that I probably have to trust him. To take him serious and to keep calm and not curse that woman that feels like half a year of age does create such a remarkable difference in maturity.
Do you know those times? When it feels like everything is crashing down on you and all the dreams you have, seem so far away? When you thought you trusted God, but really you just told him what you thought he should be helping you with or doing for you and waited for him to do that? Without acutally asking him for his opinion…

So I guess I will try again, searching an internship that is not so appealing to me but maybe to God it is. Trusting him that he will show me where to apply and where not because I’m not really the type for rejection, but then nobody is.  And hoping that somehow my dream of serving refugees will still be fulfilled one day in my life, because I don’t feel like it is something that I should give up already.


For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55,8-9

Maybe this is all just about him teaching me that “his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts”. Jesus, I wanna trust you with this, and I know that your ways really are far greater than mine. Even though it is devastating to receive a letter of refusal, it is all worth it when you acutally have everything in your hand and know what the future holds. It is worth it to decline my dream for receiving the one you want me to pursue. Show me my next steps, the way you want me to go, Lord, for I know that your ways are good and the path you’re leading on is the one you chose. Help me to trust you and not be smashed in pieces by this rejection.




The Holy Spirit consumes like a fire, he heatens you up with passion and love for his case. And his fire is getting bigger in you.
He is like the fire that rained down from heaven and consumed the wet altar Elijah prepared.
He is burning in us but NOT burning us out.
In him you’ll find rest like when you relax in front of a Campfire.Download (1)And like the presence of a Campfire is keeping wild animals away, his presence is shining and making your enemies fear.
He is the one that will not blow out a glimmer but create a fire out of it.
He is in a pillar out of fire, leading us the way and protecting us from our enemies.
He is like the fire in the thornbush that did not consume it but made it a holy place.
He loves to light a fire and to initate new things and passionately loves to give his fire to you too.
Are you ready to live with his fire within you?

Where are you Jesus?

Where are you, Jesus? Where are you in my heartache and in my pain? Why does it feel like I am doing everything out of my own strength when you said that you are my strength? Why do you seem to be so far away when I am searching you with all my heart and you promised that I’ll find you. Why is it that I am turning and turning and trying and trying but still failing. I feel like I am falling and I am too tired to fight. You said that you fight for me, well then now is a good time to start doing that. You know how I am, that I am stubborn and hard-headed, that I want to do everything on my own, to prove that I can do it. But that’s not what you want me to do right? You want me to follow you! To trust you! To let you do the fighting and me the praising. You want me to see that everything I accomplish should actually be credited to you! Oh Lord. I want to trust you, in my darkness. Because the only way to fight the darkness is to turn on the light. The only weapon you gave me is your word. And the power of your name. So I turn my heart to you and ask you once again: Where are you Jesus?

And then, in the stillness of my sobbing I hear his voice. Softly he is whispering to me: “I am here! Look I am here! You don’t have to run away, searching me for I am already here. I know you don’t actually want an answer to your Question but I am going to answer you anyway.
I AM in the mornings glory. I AM in the rising sun. I AM in the roses in front of your eyes. I AM in the smile on your face. I AM in the kindness you show to others. I AM in the belly rubbing laughs you share. I AM in your actions and reactions. I AM in the love you share. I AM in you & nothing is going to take me away from there. Look close and you will find me in every bit of this breathtaking creation. Because I AM here and will never leave.
I gave you your character and your beauty lies within it. I never intended for you to get hurt so deeply but I was in all of your heartache. And it broke my heart. It made me long for the day the father has chosen even more. Because afterwards there will be no heartache and pain, no “figuring things out” but there will be joy and you will see how much I carry you. You are my child! And I fight for you. I fight for your heart and I love how you try to follow me. Don’t worry this fight will be over soon and you won’t have to carry that much anymore.”

And now I am sobbing even more but there is something else: I can feel him inside of me, feel the love that heals the wounds in my heart, feel it burning with passion. And I know HE IS HERE