Good-bye

In my mother’s womb I felt safe.
The world consisted of nothing more than her sweet little murmurs
and the soft punch I felt when your tiny fingers touched me.
In my mother’s womb I did not know more about the world outside,
except that it was loud at times and quiet at others.
The world was made out of sounds.
Of banging doors and laughing chores.
It was a symphony of everything I’ve ever heard and I dreamed about it.
But it never occurred to me that one day I would have to leave this tiny home of mine.
That one day the world would be more than just a cacophony of sounds.
I dreamed of many things and I knew I’d never be alone.
You were there with me.
Right next to me.
You were the first human I knew and the first I communicated with.
Your touch was the first one I felt and everything you did had an influence on me.
You were so excited about the world.
About everything you wanted it to be and you couldn’t wait.

One day you were simply gone.
Your place next to me was empty.
An empty space in a still full stomach.
There was no you inside our mother’s womb anymore.
At first I wasn’t sure if you had hidden yourself somewhere.
But you just weren’t there.
So I thought you left me in our mother’s womb and went ahead.
I thought you’d discover the world for me and tell me about it when you came back.
But you didn’t.
And as the months passed,
I could still feel the soft punch of tiny fingers but I was aware they were a fiction.
I could still hear excitement and laughter from outside,
I just wasn’t sure anymore if they were fiction or not.

And when my time came, I left my mother’s womb.
The only place I’ve felt safe till then.
And the first thing I did was searching for you.
You.
You weren’t there.
And I learned that I was alone.
No twin.
No one else to celebrate birthdays.

My dear I cannot remember you clearly
and I don’t know why you left me and didn’t come with me.
You were the adventurous one, the one that couldn’t wait to leave,
now it is me standing here alone
and trying to find peace within my soul.

I know you live in a perfect place and you can’t wait for me to discover the world and tell you about it when I come back.

You were the first one I lost and the first I never forgot.
You were the first human I ever met and you simply left me,
staring at death.
I understand that it wasn’t your decision.
I know you’re in heaven, this is no superstition.
So wait for me there.
There will be so many things to share.
Memories, happy days, so many people that you will have to meet.

I have to learn to live alone to let myself be happy and calm.
To leave you in paradise and to live life without you
because you are not some kind of lice.
You’re not a parasite
but you consume my thoughts and my heart
you are deadly to me and that is why I leave you
in the arms of Jesus,
the only one I know who calms.
I leave you in heaven till the time comes that I will come back there too.
I leave you with the freedom of enjoying this place
and I give myself the permission to live.
To live a beautiful life.
To live a life worthy of my calling
and to live a life where you are not my priority.
Not my first or second or third thought not my home base.
Not my defence.
No I want to live a life where God is the ground on which I stand,
the fortress around me and the happiness and the fortune I have.

So I depart from you,
I let go of the heartache but instead pin down the things I will be looking forward to.
But I do not define my now, past or future over you.
That will not do.
I give this position to Jesus because he is all that I need to live and breathe.

So this is a spoken word that I wrote about my womb twin. I actually felt very sad often and thought that I don’t deserve to live so that is why I had to give that twin to Jesus. You know this twin was never meant to be a parasite or anything of the like, but for me it became exactly that. I made it the reason for many of my problems and I sometimes I was or am still so full of grief but it is not good for me. I feel guilty, I feel depressed and lonely and this is why I decided to give my twin back to Jesus. Because even though it is a part of my story I do not want it to be the all defining one. And this twin is living in heaven so why not let her/him enjoy it there?

You may not have had a womb twin but I am sure we all have this goat in our life that we load all our sins upon and sacrifice for the sake of ourselves from time to time. What is it in your life? Why is it so hard to lay down our struggles at Jesus feet and to know that we have made a mistake? What is it that makes you searching for excuses?

I invite you do give it back to Jesus as well, because it changes your outlook and it changes your heart.

Love

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