Where are you, Jesus? Where are you in my heartache and in my pain? Why does it feel like I am doing everything out of my own strength when you said that you are my strength? Why do you seem to be so far away when I am searching you with all my heart and you promised that I’ll find you. Why is it that I am turning and turning and trying and trying but still failing. I feel like I am falling and I am too tired to fight. You said that you fight for me, well then now is a good time to start doing that. You know how I am, that I am stubborn and hard-headed, that I want to do everything on my own, to prove that I can do it. But that’s not what you want me to do right? You want me to follow you! To trust you! To let you do the fighting and me the praising. You want me to see that everything I accomplish should actually be credited to you! Oh Lord. I want to trust you, in my darkness. Because the only way to fight the darkness is to turn on the light. The only weapon you gave me is your word. And the power of your name. So I turn my heart to you and ask you once again: Where are you Jesus?
And then, in the stillness of my sobbing I hear his voice. Softly he is whispering to me: “I am here! Look I am here! You don’t have to run away, searching me for I am already here. I know you don’t actually want an answer to your Question but I am going to answer you anyway.
I AM in the mornings glory. I AM in the rising sun. I AM in the roses in front of your eyes. I AM in the smile on your face. I AM in the kindness you show to others. I AM in the belly rubbing laughs you share. I AM in your actions and reactions. I AM in the love you share. I AM in you & nothing is going to take me away from there. Look close and you will find me in every bit of this breathtaking creation. Because I AM here and will never leave.
I gave you your character and your beauty lies within it. I never intended for you to get hurt so deeply but I was in all of your heartache. And it broke my heart. It made me long for the day the father has chosen even more. Because afterwards there will be no heartache and pain, no “figuring things out” but there will be joy and you will see how much I carry you. You are my child! And I fight for you. I fight for your heart and I love how you try to follow me. Don’t worry this fight will be over soon and you won’t have to carry that much anymore.”
And now I am sobbing even more but there is something else: I can feel him inside of me, feel the love that heals the wounds in my heart, feel it burning with passion. And I know HE IS HERE