Crashing down

So I applied for an internship which was perfect. It was my dream job and everything I’d like to do and I thought God thought that as well. Finally I had my next four years planned out, and I was sure I’m on the right path. But today I received a letter of refusal, saying I’m too young for their internship. And it kind of destroys me right now, not knowing what I should do next. I was so sure that this is what God wanted me to do and now I’m just standing here baffeled, wondering why NOT?!  This internship would have been amazing and exactly what I wanted to do all along even without internship, so did God just plant that dream there to let it dry out? Because a plant that is not nourished and watered will eventually die. Did he do that on purpose? To show me that not everything is always love, peace and chocolate, even though I feel like I already know that! And while taking out a second tissue out of the packet of tissues I realise that I probably have to trust him. To take him serious and to keep calm and not curse that woman that feels like half a year of age does create such a remarkable difference in maturity.
Do you know those times? When it feels like everything is crashing down on you and all the dreams you have, seem so far away? When you thought you trusted God, but really you just told him what you thought he should be helping you with or doing for you and waited for him to do that? Without acutally asking him for his opinion…

So I guess I will try again, searching an internship that is not so appealing to me but maybe to God it is. Trusting him that he will show me where to apply and where not because I’m not really the type for rejection, but then nobody is.  And hoping that somehow my dream of serving refugees will still be fulfilled one day in my life, because I don’t feel like it is something that I should give up already.

 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55,8-9

Maybe this is all just about him teaching me that “his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts”. Jesus, I wanna trust you with this, and I know that your ways really are far greater than mine. Even though it is devastating to receive a letter of refusal, it is all worth it when you acutally have everything in your hand and know what the future holds. It is worth it to decline my dream for receiving the one you want me to pursue. Show me my next steps, the way you want me to go, Lord, for I know that your ways are good and the path you’re leading on is the one you chose. Help me to trust you and not be smashed in pieces by this rejection.

Amen